


all the lights (couldn't hold out the dark)

by harryhanlon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Songfic, sort of? i guess? right?, two halves of one whole and such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 02:04:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20987024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryhanlon/pseuds/harryhanlon
Summary: Sam knows what it's like to be whole.





	all the lights (couldn't hold out the dark)

**Author's Note:**

> harry styles dropped a new single and my brain turned it into EMOTIONS so i took the leap and turned my crying about sam winchester into something productive! stream/buy/devour Lights Up and forgive me for this late night ramble of a fic :)

There are things Sam knows without a doubt.

He knows the sun will rise and, later, set. He knows Dean is his brother in blood and by choice. He knows that, above all else, he wants to help.

He knows that if he were honest with himself, things would be different.

Sam had learned the hard way following his heart was always the wrong path. Pain and death filled in the footsteps of his mistakes on his road of good intentions. He had the best reasoning on Earth to deny his truest self, but it couldn't stop him from wanting.

The worst part is that he'd had a taste.

He knew what it was like to give in to this one base desire and it was everything right. Couldn't possibly forget the confidence and comfort thrumming brightly through even the darkest corners of his mind. Wouldn't dare slip back into the warm light of his whole being for fear of the consequences. He'd lost so much already, what's one more to protect all of humanity?

It'd be easier if he didn't _know_.

Every night he dreamed of a world where it didn't change anything. Where he and Dean kept hunting and saving people. Where there was still no question he was putting family first. Where it didn't matter Sam wasn't the only one in the body riding shotgun.

No matter how many times he played it through he knew it wasn't possible. It felt too right to be correct. He wanted it too much. Every morning he folded the fantasy away next to all the apologies he could never tell Dean without raising suspicion. Quietly he decided to deny himself for another day, over and over again.

He knew he wasn't hiding it perfectly. Sometimes he couldn't help but squirm under Dean's perpetually worried gaze, though it lacked the weight of knowing Sam's big disappointment. The backstage shiver of standing behind the curtain and wanting to step into the spotlight, aware there was no going back. Aware that if he could live in that honest light he wouldn't ever _want_ to hide again.

It would be easier if everyone _knew_ about his Lightbringer.

If Sam were honest with himself, he'd admit that he didn't know how to be whole without Lucifer.

Still, he wakes up and chooses against his heart. Tries to forget the impossible perfection. Pulls his curtains to block temptation. He does it knowing he'll give in to the fantasy again, if only in his dreams.

He knows once he drifts off to sleep Lucifer will be there. He knows what he'll ask. He knows one day the answer will make him surrender himself to that all encompassing light. Knows by Lucifer's smirk that they're just biding time.

Kicking off another hopeless dream, Sam's companion offered his hand and the starting point for the night's adventure.

_Do you know who you are?_


End file.
